Inside My Dizzy Head

My column for father’s day.
For single mother’s too.

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/storypage.aspx?StoryId=81370

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/storypage.aspx?StoryId=78871

the 2nd installment of my column

I know I used to blog a lot and some are getting a bit worried since I seem to be quiet again.  I am not.  I’ve just been having problems on friendster so I’m using my multiply more.  So here’s the link if you want to catch up with my brain farts, my complaints and the kalokohan I write.

http://dizzychick76.multiply.com/

see ya there!!!

Sigh.

After what feels like a lifetime of being stuck in the city, I finally made it to the beach.  Had a bikini crisis which I remedied 2 hours before leaving town (talk about last minute shopping!)  Despite having no stash of meds (zoloft and xanx) and some mild anxiety, we made it to Calatagan and all my anxieties just slipped off me as if I were made of teflon. 

Almost five days of lazing in the beach, reading, swimming, snorkeling, playing in the sand and surf with my daughter and very mild drinking and a ton of eating, getting to know new friends and bonding with old ones, it hit me that I would have regretted not coming.

It was paradise.

Of course, I’m back in Manila, the heat worse because its bouncing off concrete, crowded trains, and stress.

I left my brain on the beach.
It still listens to the waves.

I’ve never been much of a mallrat.  I don’t get it.  Spending the day hanging out at a mall.  It seems like such a waste of time to me.

Until I became homeless.  I have a place to crash for the moment- but I don’t necessarily call it home.  I have a single bed I share with my daughter.  A small table overflowing with my journal, miscellaneous papers, loose change, a few toiletries.  I share a common bathroom with backpackers from Europe.  I eat take out or instant soup and crackers. I miss CSI, Grey’s Anatomy and all my TV shows.  I don’t even have my guitar or a CD player. Most of the time I have no one to talk to except my almost 10 year old, and as much as I love our conversations I am jonesing for adult repartee’.  Considering I am in financial dire straits and ended up moving out of the place that was my home for the last 5 years with what I could fit into a medium backpack, I shop at Ukay stores.  (Php130 for a pair of ESPRIT pants…hey!)

But when my mom who had a stroke in 2001 asked if I could take her to Mall of Asia since she hasn’t been out in ages, I said yes. Naturally this entailed dragging my kid along.  But her generation LOVES malling. 

Now, I’ve never been to Mall of Asia.  One, I was living in the armpit of QC for years. And it is a production to bring my senior-citizen mom who is in a wheelchair and a hyperactive child by cab.  As we approached, I felt my anxiety kick in…damn, the place was HUGE!  I wondered if I had bitten off more than I could chew.

But thankfully, the place was disabled friendly.  There are wheelchair ramps and clean, equipped separate bathrooms.  I don’t think we even saw a fourth of the mall, but my mom was happy to be out and see things, my daughter enjoyed romping around and my promise to take her ice-skating (couldn’t do it yesterday..didn’t want to leave my mom for a whole hour while we skated.)  My mom bought some things, I window shopped and gazed longingly at things I cannot afford.  (Oh those shoes!  Ah, that ipod!  Yummmm…all the food! ad nauseaum.) I know I need preppy clothes. (For an office job that I am hunting for).  I need a new phone (mine is ancient and keeps dying or hanging…the thought of a phone with a camera and music to boot is too sinful an idea!  pretty sony ericsson walkman phone…someday, hopefully.)  Boots, sneakers, pumps, sandals.  a swimsuit though I haven’t made it to the beach in 7 years (my honeymoon was the last time).  then the ultra-practical shit…stuff I will need once I can afford to get a place: a fridge, a bed, a closet, a stove.  Starting from scratch sucks big time.  Clothes, toys and books and games I want my daughter to have.  And yet it was good to see what is out there in the consumable world even though I can’t afford it yet.  And my daughter showing me the things she wants (though heartbreaking coz like me she checks the pricetag first before she considers anything).  But we got her jellybeans and gummi bears and a lot of stuff she wanted in the supermarket (and i tell you, juggling a wheelchair and a cart isn’t easy!) 

We stopped for merienda at Cafe Mediterranean which I treated my mom to- Mishka enjoying her marinated olives and tapenade ( i raised a gourmet, lord help me).  We had hainanese chicken for dinner (My mom was happy, as was I and Mish has a new fave dish). 

I lost my cherry.  The tired but happy looks on my daughter and mom’s faces when I brought them home and sorted out the shopping was worth my aching feet and strained muscles.  I know I’m gonna be bringing them back there to explore, to get out, to bond, to be girls again…not 60, not 31, not just a child…but a bunch of girls enjoying a meal, shopping, trying on shoes that we probably won’t buy.  For a day, I wasn’t terribly alone.

It must be terribly satisfying in your tiny little brain to think that nothing that has ever gone wrong in your life is your fault.  It must be nice for you to have me to blame for your shortcomings, your impotence, your failures, your unhappiness.  And here I am again (GODDAMMIT, again!)  willing to take the blame just a little longer.

But wait…

I don’t HAVE to.  I am nothing to you. We aren’t friends, we aren’t lovers, we don’t have to talk or live together or co-exist in any way.  I have a feeling THERE is a catch to all this-  so you can look good?  I keep forgetting that the thing I hate most about you is that you LOVE to put on a show- however fake it is- its what the world sees that always matters, isn’t it?

I have real problems to deal with.  I don’t have a family that will carry me or my child.  I have no time or energy to play pretend with you- to pacify your over-blown ego that perpetually destroys mine.  Don’t fuck with my head anymore, or with my heart…stop confusing me! 

Drop dead, go away, leave me be.
Don’t tell me how to be a parent…you really wouldn’t know.
Talk to me when you give up everything and walk away with nothing but dignity.
Or better yet, lose my number.

I haven’t spent so much time in Makati since I was in high school. 

Last Saturday we had a gig at Saguijo which was a lot of fun (I’m so deprived I don’t get to go out much so when I do, I make a night of it!) It was Ninja Kiss 2nd anniversary and Conch was unavailable so Ronnie sessioned for us and ene sang backup.  It was a ton of fun. I had 4 beers and I actually felt it!  Good thing I’m a cheap date now, because I don’t have money to spend hahaha. Or maybe it was because all I ate for dinner that day was an apple?  Possibly.

Then yesterday, Ene and I met up at Liquid Post to do voice samples.  I froze my ass off because I went without a jacket and since it was hot as hell I was only wearing a tee and short skirt with flip flops.  I forgot how cold studios are.  Ene as always was entertaining, and Andi and I kept cracking up.  Ene should have her own show, I swear it.  Maybe we can pitch that idea to myx or MTV. Hmmm.  (I’ll produce!!  Hehehe…we’ll get Pond’s to sponsor us)  Afterwards, we hung out a little longer, let the sun go down a bit.  I was introduced to House of Nuts’ oyster mushroom and mixed veggie chips…sounds gross but they were yummy! 

Then we decided to roam a bit, found an Ukay-ukay and Ene found a really cool white blouse (which sadly didn’t fit me, but she bought it) and I found a brown jacket that just hugged me.  Unfortunately, no blazers fit me and I am in dire need of yuppie clothes.  (Hell, everything I own now fits in one meduim sized back-pack- I need clothes period!) 

So off we went towards Glorietta, since Ene’s friend Paolo had spare tickets to a movie premier and I haven’t watched a movie in ages (and I’m withdrawing from lack of TV) I tagged along.  I stopped in mid-stride on the way upstairs because there was a GORGEOUS pair of shoes calling my name.  I fell in love.  And in a good way!  Of course when I saw the price tag (5K) my heart broke, but I’m used to having my heart broken and having it break because of a pretty pair of high heels isn’t so bad.  At least I can go visit the shoes!  (and they won’t be mean to me)

Ene and I had a vegetarian dinner and went up to meet Paolo.  Even though I was full from dinner I am incapable of watching a movie without popcorn, so I grabbed a bag from taters.  The movie was The Good Shephard-directed by de Niro and starring Matt Damon.  It’s about the history of the CIA- how it started and Matt Damon’s charachter is Edward Wilson (who started the counter-intelligence aspect of the CIA.)  So throughout the movie I kept hearing "Mr.  Wilson".  Annoying.  But otherwise, I enjoyed the movie, with the exception of the people sitting behind us who kept talking.  I think the movie was too cerebral for them.  They were having trouble following the plot.

Then today I had an audition in Creekside, so I was back in Makati again!  Bumped into Conch at Mile long (I forgot her office was there) and we had a cigarette after I did my recording.  My days are getting stranger, dubbing for a Spanish to English telenovela (if I get it).  Conch had to get back to her virus-ridden computer and I had to go hunt for a brithday gift for my daughter’s friend.  What the hell do you buy a pre-teen???  (or don’t they call them "tweens" now?)  Naturally, I wasn’t successful.  I’ll give cash if I can’t find anything.  Maybe I’ll attempt Mall of Asia tomorrow, since it’s my only free day.  I have to be in Rockwell on Friday at the law school and back to QC on saturday for a gig.  Mishka has been sick as hell and now that she’s better she wants me to take her ice-skating and watch flushed away.  Hmmm.

Damn, I should’ve passed by Digitracks and gotten a copy of the jingles I did with them from Minco and Ian.  I’d like to see them.  Ian especially.  Oh well, it looks like I’m gonna be spending a lot of time in Makati anyway.  And considering I hate Makati, I’m learning to enjoy the strangeness of it.  I still stick out like a sore thumb, but so what?  Makati, here I come.

Yup, it’s Women’s month.  We should celebrate ourselves!  No one will celebrate the joys (and many heartaches) of being a woman.  Let us remember that women are sacred, despite man (and the church’s) efforts to eradicate the power of the feminine.

Because we are stronger. 

We are life, we are nurturers, we are mothers.  We work outside the home and inside it, and we solve the problems and we love without barriers, we give of ourselves to everyone around us but to ourselves. 

We survive battles and heartbreaks and still have the capacity to heal others.  We still love those unworthy of it, or those who don’t know what to do with it. 

We go through hormonal rollercoasters monthly, dysmenhorrea, water retention, chocolate binges, suffer through bikini waxes, leg shaving, eyebrow plucking.  (most men would faint).  We go through labor pains, disciplining our children, trying to raise our men.  And we are the ones who come back to take care of our aging, ailing parents.

And yet poetry and songs are written about us, our softness, our scent, the curve of our hips, the taste of our lips.

Love yourself, women.

That’s my goal this month.  Love me.  No one else can.

They aren’t strong enough.

Yes, bring me flame

Burn me, leave me charred and blackened by your rage

your heartlessness, your casualness

burned, but not broken

even if I sometimes seem that way

even if sometimes I may feel that way

and as the fire licks my face

watch as it turns my tears to steam

til nothing is left of me

maybe a memory

maybe a melody

and let the wind stir up my ashes and blow me away

to some far away place

where i can become whole again

rise up,

the woman

the lover,

the child,

the mother.

the phoenix

and may my wings take me higher and further

i am more than a whisper

more than a myth

I am

life.